


Loving You Kills Me

by Sherlockedancer



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Sherlock saves John, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 23:10:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2326520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlockedancer/pseuds/Sherlockedancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years and John isn't sure whether he can handle not having Sherlock in his life anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving You Kills Me

3 years, it had been exactly 3 years since Sherlock had jumped. John stood in front of his grave, the dark cold stone reflecting the feeling in his heart. He kneeled down before the stone and set down the flowers he had brought. He dropped his head and watched as the scene before him blurred and the tears burned his eyes.

"I can't do this anymore Sherlock, I just can't." John turned around so that his back rested against the gravestone and he curled himself into a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"I never told you I loved you, maybe things would have been different if I had. Now I've been forced to live my life alone and without the one person who meant the world to me, you. I think I've come to a point where I would rather die than live without the one I love." His last words came out in a shaky breath and he burst into tears once again, no longer able to suppress his sobs. He reached into his pocket and wrapped his fingers around a small capsule. He pulled it out and stared at it, his fingers shaking. 'Not yet', he thought to himself as he placed the pill back in his pocket, fingers still shaking. After several minutes he felt the cold begin to rush through his body as a rain shower began and he picked himself up off the ground. The ride back to 221B was quiet, John's thoughts running through his mind over and over again. When he finally arrived stopped him on his way up the stairs.

"John dear, you don't look too well. I know Sherlock wouldn't want to see you this way."

"How would you know what he'd want?" John snapped back. He quickly caught himself though and apologized. "I'm sorry, it's just that today makes it 3 years and it's rough for me."

"It's ok dear, I understand, I'm here if you need to talk to me."

"Thanks Mrs. Hudson." John nodded his thanks and continued up the staircase to 221B. John made a cup of tea and sat down in his armchair, opening his laptop and staring at his blog. One last blog entry, that's all he needed to explain to everyone his feelings and his reasons for doing what he was going to do. As he began to type he couldn't help but to think back to Sherlock's phone call. "This is my note, John. Isn't that what people do? Leave a note…" He felt the tears well up in his eyes but he forced himself to push them back. He continued typing, taking deep breaths as he felt the reality set in. He finished his note but waited to post it, 'not quite yet', he thought to himself. He took his tea cup to the kitchen, taking his time to thoroughly rinse and dry it. He walked to his bedroom, pausing a moment to have one last look at 221B. He smiled as he felt the many memories of him and Sherlock come flooding back.

"Goodbye" he whispered, before entering his bedroom and closing the door behind him. He sat on his bed facing the wall and staring at the blankness before him. He reached his hand into his pocket, once more feeling the small capsule between his fingers. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

"I'm coming Sherlock", he whispered as he reached his hand up towards his mouth. He felt the pill press against his lips and took one last deep breath.

"Drop the pill John."

John's hand froze instantly. His body was paralyzed but his mind was screaming. How could this be possible? The deep baritone voice filled the room once again, this time slow and demanding.

"I said, drop the pill John."

This time John obeyed, his body still frozen but his fingers opening wide enough to let the pill fall to the floor. He felt a sudden warm hand on his shoulder, urging him to turn around. John complied, and slowly turned around, not sure what he expected to see. Sure enough there standing before him was Sherlock. He froze again but felt the tears beginning to run down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry John, please don't do this."

Suddenly John jumped up and walked towards Sherlock. He reached his hand up and Sherlock cringed, waiting for the impact. Much to Sherlock's surprise there was not hit, only soft lips pressed against his own, the hand John had lifted wrapping around Sherlock's neck. Sherlock relaxed, kissing John back. The kiss was unlike any other, years of love, pain, joy, fear, want, and need all wrapped into one. John's tears continued streaming down his face, for a completely different reason than before. John wasn't the only one crying though, Sherlock, the machine, was crying. The kiss lasted several more minutes before they finally felt the need to pull away, overwhelmed with emotions and the need to breath. Finally John spoke, his voice shaky and breathless.

"You can't do this to me Sherlock, you can't hurt me the way you did." Sherlock nodded his head, his eyes still fresh with tears.

"I promise I'll never do this again John. I don't think I could live with myself if I ever saw you like this again."

"I love you." John said, still drowning in his emotions.

"I love you more" Sherlock nearly whispered back.

They laid in bed the rest of the night, holding each other close, sharing chaste kisses, and whispering promises to never leave each other again.


End file.
